PLAYED BY BILLY VAN
OTHER HUMAN CHARACTERS
PUPPETS IN STARRING ROLES
OTHER CASTLE WEIRDOS
A few more Vincent Price poems worth reading:
The Professor has a theory, about a silly thing
It’s all about the hummingbird and why he doesn’t sing
He says, “Now take the budgey bird, you wouldn’t call him dumb
His song is pretty as can be, you’ll never catch him mum
But it is very different with those stupid hummingbirds
The reason for their humming is, they just don’t know the words!”
When visiting the library one thing you mustn’t do
Is ask for a specific book and take it home with you
The Librarian has told me he wouldn’t mind the least
If anyone who takes his books is nabbed by the police
He also told me something else, but I don’t think it’s true
He says he thinks the magistrate would throw the book at you!
Grizelda mixed a breakfast juice, a most revolting brew
She makes it with papaya juice, and powder, and shampoo
Her weekend guests each morning find this mess served in a cup
With that stuff waiting for you it’s not worth getting up!
She says, “They’ll like it!”, and of that there’s no doubt
Grizelda’s juice will wake you up and knock you right back out!
The Professor built a centrifuge, those things you always see
The astronauts all training in and riding in for free
Two hundred spins per minute
And as you guess it wasn’t hard to get quite dizzy in it
When all his tests were finished it was left to gather dust
But six months later he decided that this seemed unjust
He turned it on its side and build some seats from scraps of steel
Now people come from miles to ride the world’s fastest ferris wheel!
The Oracle has a crystal ball that’s really getting quite old
But he keeps it with a sentiment of all the things it’s told
But sometimes while he’s gazing at it it will fade away
No sound or picture — it just goes blank; and then he’s forced to say,
“This crystal ball’s not worth the fuss, my patience’s wearing thin
It looks like I will have to put another quarter in.”
The Zany Zoo went up in flames, the reason so they said
Was that the kangaroo was smoking cigarettes in bed
The monkeys all were screaming and lost all their social graces
When a fireman accidentally sprayed some water in their faces
The only ones who weren’t afraid were the cobras and adders
Who had more fun than anyone, playing snakes and ladders.
Grizelda went to hospital, but not ’cause she was sick
She took a batch of baking up so they could take their pick
The doctor stopped her at the door and said, “Stay out of here!
Your cakes and pies and cookies have the wrong effect, I fear!
We hoped they’d cheer our patients up, but since they ate I swear
That 85 percent have gone into intensive care!”
The Professor said that there is gold in water in the sea
I checked this out and sure enough he’s right, to some degree
You have to pump through gallons of salt water, sludge, and sand
But pump enough and you’ll end up with gold dust in your hand
“Why hasn’t someone pumped the sea already?” some have wondered
Because to get an ounce worth forty bucks, you have to spend five hundred!
Librarians are stay-at-homes, they never travel round
To foreign places near or far, or even go downtown
I asked “Why don’t you take a trip?”; he said “Books make me wiser.”
I looked at him and then I said, “It’s cheaper too, you miser!”
The Oracle’s house is haunted by some most unruly ghosts
With no respect for bedtime hours, especially of their hosts
Just as he gets tucked in at night he hears a ghostly breath
Which demands a glass of water or they’ll scare him half to death
And sometimes when he’s fast asleep a foot will knock his head
And he’ll wake up and see thirteen ghosts all jumping on his bed
He asked them to desist and stop and many times enjoined them
But with ghosts it’s quite impossible to beat them ’til you’ve joined them!
The Professor called the other day, excited as can be
He had a new experiment he wanted to show me
He said it dealt with physics and the laws of energy
He then put on some boxing gloves and said, “I’m A, you’re B.”
His theory was momentum causes action where it goes
And he proved it rather quickly when his gloves smashed in my nose
I must say he’s a brilliant man whose praises I will shout
For rarely has a demonstration ever knocked me out.
The Professor thinks bananas are a thing that should be banned
“These deadly things” he said to me, “Are getting out of hand.
I’ve done a lot of research, which I didn’t do for fun
And I’ve found that these bananas are more deadly than a gun.”
I asked him, “Are they poisonous? What causes these strong feelings?”
He said, “My son, the danger is from old discarded peelings.”
The Oracle went out to see his first Shakespearean play
He purchased tickets for the special Wednesday matinee
He had a friend, an actor, who was carrying a spear
In this production of the Bard’s smash hit called Olde King Lear
The Oracle went right backstage where most folks never go
And saw his friend was happy that he’d come to see the show
But oracles just should not say things like “Go and break a leg.”
Because in the first act his friend did, and King Lear laid an egg!